Light at the end of the tunnel

So...one presentation left on Tuesday from 11-12. I have the two portfolios to finish up on (lots to do, but I think it will be okay).  So...putting my nose to the grindstone. Trying to ignore the exhaustion. If I can just get thru Tuesday noon...I'm hoping to leave the presentation and drop my stuff of at DMU and be DONE!!!!!!!!  Wish me luck.  I know I've whined enough about it. I just feel better once I complain (via paper) and get it off my chest. Then when it gets bad in my head again, I complain once more. I've cried a few times, feeling very overwhelmed and then it's better.  My goal is to have my portfolio for my Internship in rough draft (which is pretty much final draft with just a reread and edit small grammatical errors) status by tomorrow (Saturday) at 2pm.  This is the time of my cousin's little boy's 4th birthday party, which will be a nice break. Then I can really focus on my Capstone project and presentation. THEN BE DONE!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for everyone who has helped...kind words, shoulder/ears, etc. that you have let me borrow during this time. It has meant a lot!  At truthfully...you deserve this diploma as well...Steve especially.  Not sure how he handled all my emotional breakdowns, but he's still here...and says he still loves me when I get crazy ;)

Kids are doing great!  Hoping to post more later on them :)

Keep reading...and let me know if there is anything specific you want me to blog on...starting to lose ideas :)  Maybe I'll get more when I don't have school work and we aren't stuck in the house constantly :)

Two month present :)

Last night, Jacob, you gave mommy and daddy a present for your 2 month birthday!  YOU SLEPT THE WHOLE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!  Neither mommy nor daddy realized it until we talked. We both thought the other must have gotten up with you and the other slept thru it, because we are so exhausted.

However, today when you and mommy stayed home together, you were very cuddly/clingy. You wouldn't lay down for anything. Every time you fell asleep in mommy's arms and I laid you down to nap, you woke up within 15 minutes. Made for a very unproductive day, but mommy enjoyed it :)  I loved looking down on your and seeing those LONG eyelashes :)

Now you are asleep and Kayleigh had her nails done :)  She loves the nail polish that Santa brought to her at Grandma Onn's house :)  You don't like the smell, but you tolerate it :) 

We love you guys :)

8 weeks ago

Jacob, eight weeks ago you came into this world. I bawled!  I love you baby boy!  You are such a joy!  Your smiles are priceless and can make some one's day brighter just by smiling...ask anyone that's seen that smile :)  You swing at things, you try so hard to roll over. You are 3/4 of the way there, if you can just figure out how to get that arm under you, you would be there.

You LOVE your sister!  You listen to what she is doing and watch her when she's in sight (might be in adoration or you are scared of what she can do!). You love to snuggle :)  You HATE wet diapers...as soon as you pee, we know!  We are trying to "train" you to fill the diaper up a little more so we can at least get some USE out of the diaper before we take it off!  You are getting better at that :)  You HATE being cold...just like your daddy. We have learned the main reasons you are cranky...hungry, wet, cold or tired.  Other than those...you love looking around, standing on mommy/daddy's lap (those legs are getting stronger), watching the ceiling fans and giving Sissy hugs :) 

You are a pretty good baby overall. You are more of an "instant gratification" baby than your sister was (OY!). You are getting so big. Your appointment isn't until next week, so not sure your exact weight and length, but I'm expecting a pretty good growth spurt. You are almost out of your 0-3 month outfits now :) 

We love you, little guy :)

School

I so want to be done with these last few projects. And truthfully I would have been done with them months ago, but I'm a wife and a mom and a full time employee and a full time student this semester.

WHY!?

It's hard.  It's really really hard. I find myself doubting myself on a daily basis. I've cried more than I have ever cried because of school this semester (may have to do some with hormone imbalance due to pregnancy, but still). I have been more frustrated and exhausted that I have ever been in my whole life.

Now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but yet I can see how much I still want to do. And let's be serious here, if I was a single, no baby individual, I could probably finish this all up with an overnighter, but I'm not. I have a husband and two little ones and this is going to take me a week to finish (if not more), but all I have is a week. I'm freaking out!!!

Let me admit...I'm a perfectionist. I want to get a good grade on these last two projects. They are the biggest projects I have had for my grad school experience. And when I look at what I AM going to get done...I'm scared of what grade I feel I deserve on them. I probably won't get that bad of a grade, but still...I feel like I could do so much better.

My dad once told me, no one is going to remember the GPA or the letter grades when you are done. You just have to be able to put forth what you learn. That is all that matters!  So...why am I stuck on getting that certain grade?  Why can't I just put down what I learned and be okay with that? Why do I have to have the best. It's almost a competitive feature, but I wouldn't consider myself that competitive, maybe I am, but I don't feel that way.

UGH...okay, got to get to it.  We'll see how much sleep I get tonight.  It's not looking good :(

Why we always come back to things...

Kayleigh is so picky, but yet she loves EVERYTHING!  That's why we never give up on stuff (don't give up, never give up....sorry Yo Gabba Gabba song!)!  We will go in spurts of not liking something (don't like it...) and within a week or so, give or take, she'll love it!  For example...Veggie Tales.  We've tried getting her to watch these in the past. We have a couple on DVD even. But we've gotten "don't like it" whine so we put them aside. :(  I LOVE VEGGIE TALES!!!!!!  However, as we noted in the last post, we went to the Lloyd's house and Bryan put on Madame Blueberry.  I think we had that playing three times since we left their house :)  Now, we've gotten back into Veggie Tales!!!  YAY!!!!!! 

Lloyds

Can I just say, "WE LOVE THE LLOYDS!" The Lloyds are Bryan, Trisha and Kayden (Oh and Zildjian!). Bryan, I grew up with in O-Town. Trisha, I met at Simpson. They fell in love and got married had their first fur baby Zildjian, then their first little guy Kayden came along...man almost TWO years ago!!!  Anywho...

We went over to the Lloyds today so Steve could get a massage from Trisha. He's been having pain in his left leg that has really been bugging him. So we'll see if it's muscle, with Trishka's help, or if it's bone...hoping muscle and she can work it out for him :) 

Anyway...Kayleigh and Kayden are so cute together!!!!  They are...what, not quite 5 months apart!  They were having so much fun today!  Peek-a-boo with the curtains, reading books, playing, jumping, just having so much fun!

Found out later that it was kinda distracting, but not in a bad way, for the massage-goers. Oh well...they were just jealous they missed out on the fun :)  However, I'm thinking the massage would have been pretty good too!!!  Trisha...if you are reading this, I may be getting one soon too!!! :)  First, get my husband back to normal, then I'll just enjoy it to enjoy it :)

PS...my family feel as these three (I don't think many have met Zildjian) are part of our family. They are the family we CHOOSE instead of blood relation. I'd do anything for these guys...just like family.  I love you guys!!!

Exhaustion

I hate when I am this exhausted and everything hits that last nerve. I hate that something someone says gets right under my skin and festers. I hate how it effects how I feel and act and think of myself. I wish that I was that person that could just let it roll off my shoulder, but I can't. I sit and dissect it from every angle and it eats at me. I hate that I care so much about what others say, even if it's not directly about me or toward me. Why do I have to think about it so much?  Why? Why? Why?  Sometimes I wish I lived as a recluse with Steve, Kayleigh and Jacob in a very remote area where I didn't have to deal with all this crap. However, I would miss my mom, dad, sister, brother, brother-in-law, nephews, Grandma, and more. I just wish I could ignore things instead of listen to ALL of it! 

I think I'm just exhausted!